"i swear you give people so many chances i just wanna strangle you sometimes" - sister

its true.
but its life.

ps

i'm not pushing the fact that i'm a "good writer" either nor am i claiming to be one. heeellllll nah im not. i write to clear my mind - if you read it and you dig it, bless you.. if you read it and you hate it, bless you.. if you don't read a damn word i write.. skiiiip you. haha jk.. uhhhh. but seriously, i write for me.. and possibly my sister and best friend so they don't have to hear my nonsense i keep inside my head at all times of the day... my therapy is a pen and a piece of paper.. its cheaper than a room with low lit candles and scented tissue on the end of the desk.. get it? no? .... bless you.

secrets

let me share a secret :

when i write.. i hardly write exactly what i am feeling at that exact moment. when i write, i take an emotion.. whether its something i'm experiencing or have and i multiply it to the tenth power. when i scream thoughts of love or thoughts of hate and so on.. i'm hardly near the center. writing is about exaggeration. you love it, we breathe it.. and so on. oh! and you can never understand exactly what i am writing.. if you could, i would want to shoot myself in the hand. i would love for each one of my readers to injest my words and manifest them in their minds to their personal situations. if i told you what to do when reading my words.. it wouldn't be real. or it'd just be real shit.

so if you find yourself ending each story with a question mark.. point made.

love story

coffee in the dark & its tainted
skip the sugar and sip the honey
malicious loss of words
in between sipping sprees
its delicious
on cue
delicious
on you?
nutritious
a melody spoken without a word
temptation feeding that bittersweet flu
love struck and out
like a cold you can't kick
love done and shout!
with a lost voice you can't seek
manipulate the doctor
and avoid the fate
done chasing this exagerrated emotion
mix me a strong one
with extra olives

and im onward..

एडुकेशन?

so i'm returning to school.. FiDM that is.
geared toward the fall.. i'll be that struggling college student eating nothing but veggies and stress relieved coffee [i know caffeine stresses you out, but it soothes me... so all you who tell me to leave the coffee alone, BOUNCE! i geeet it] - anyway.. i'm rather excited :) not only will i finally have my BS degree.. but then transferring to [csulb?] for mfa in poetry? i can teach freelance.. i can write.. i can design.. i can do trend research.. pretty much, my options will be endless and as my middle name is "DREAM" this is my fantasy...

I CAN NOT WAIT.

plus, i never knew how much i'd miss LA until i permanently left it..
it'd be easier if I could visit on the regular, but the whole driving situation and the fact that i work close to 50 hours a week and commute to do it all... kinda puts a damper on my "LA LOVE AFFAIR" - i'm ready to jump back in.. not the scene part of it, as that gets you into trouble.. and a broken wallet.. but the love aspect of it. Long Beach... here i coooome. "fingers eyes and toes crossed everything works out" as this is only the beginning stages of another life altering change..

मूउउज़क.

i love it.

i breathe it.

oh i wish oh i wish i could perform it..

i am 100% interested in the piano.. but need someone patient enough to teach me. the second i was told i had "piano fingers" at the age of.. i think 7, i've been interested. But all those years of ballet turned cheerleading turned boxing turned artist turned fashion turned career career career! never left much time for piano lessons.

maybe i'll go buy a book... and force the parents to buy a piano. my pops has always wanted one... now maybe he'll have an excuse :)

to be continued....

me

me, today.

i'm spring cleaning -
& i've decided to continue with this "blogspot"
as a personal blogspot..
as pretty much the ONLY contributor to "funeral parade" blog- [taide]

sooo.. this is my letter to ensure my dedicated penmanship,
each and every day... if only a few sentences.

<3

emotional revolution

do you ever just feel like dissappearing for a while?
not answering the phone, not responding to a text or an email or.. anything
just gone.
not for good...
just long enough for you to miss me a little.
everyone likes to be missed..
and lately everyones been lacking this emotion
when it comes to my name.
i'm here to often and in too deep.
i have this problem where i can't just let people... be.
i gotta be up in that mix and know what the "gimme" is.
and i'm tired.

i would just love one time... to be that person that was missed..
or that person that wasn't returning that text..
you say i give you attention and we're ok.
ugh, i make me sick.

who am i talking to?

i'm running this race and not catching up.
shoelaces untied and
memories shadowing my mind
in the background with a rhythmatic beat
i've lost the step to.

i miss my sanity sometimes and i would like it back.

i have no idea how to run this past your mind
or even bring it up with a voice..
a casual glass of wine over dinner
or all night festival of words
overflowing their meaning with over used metaphors
and misrepresented advice shoved to help you feel better..
with a resulting factor of me feeling worse... and worse.. and worse so..

i mark this point on a wrist left untouched.
moments of spontaneity turned forevers not enough.
i'm not insane just a little over exhausted
and i pray for that moment i can run away
and never look back at you because i choose to..
not because i fear to.
i have no idea what to even think from here on out.
in the middle of this breakdown with no one to phone..
a friends turned off and his not even reaching dial tone,
for my fingers are smarter than my mind with a martini will allow.

am i not good enough?
are you not good enough?
are we not good enough for eachother?
and you have no idea.
but if you did have some idea things would be worse.

fuck your little quotes and irritating babble..
you fight with her because there is passion with her
and im too nice in the center.
a cookie far too sweet with a thrown out middle.
i miss my sanity i once owned..
you know, before you picked up that phone and reminded me of why i have no control, over my life.
love me or let me go.
i can't keep doing this.
who am i talking to again?
and the voice is mellow.

driveskeetskeeeeeetcuffed

so i opted for community service instead of paying a fine.
3000 + vs 166 hours of c. service [10 hr credit in detox..]

i have 10.5 hours left.. i've learned a tremendous amount.
its intense to realize how much power us as humans truly have..
i never want to be the reason as to why someones mom doesn't come home..
or kid is mentally ill for the rest of his/her life because i..
because ME MYSELF AND I chose to drive home drunk.

no thanks.

random acts random acts.

<3

this is not a haiku.

"this is not a haiku"

friday night as I casually pour
pour my heart out to be shaken, then I stir
shaken not stirred
stirred not shaken
I'm blissfully falling into a false accusation
Of a misguided, ill sighted, misinterpretation

this,
is not a haiku

flip the script, im sick of this!

fuck this bitch and throw the key,
a chastity belt gone 9 year spree
lock it
unlock it
prince alarming you're freeee
this is MY house, you need to leave

remember,
this is not a haiku

the ephemeral meltdowns of ts conclude..

insecure thoughts from your uninvited opinion
take a seat, relax & enjoy our interpretation
*ahem*
t : dump tweedle dee & move on tweedle dum
s : read my spell checked thoughts & bite your little tongue
ladies & gentleman hope you have enjoyed
our friday night gone sour turned haiku hour

thank you & goodnight.

breathe in

as i sit here with my bowl of sherbert ice cream.. feet swollen and blistered.. mind foggy and racing.. waiting for class to start - all i crave to do is breathe. breathe in....... breathe out.. swooossshhhh.

as easy as it may seem - as boring as it may sound - a breath of lazy air is all i crave.

and im off.

i n s a n i t y

it's so hard sometimes when you feel something that you don't completely understand and to peep a word to the one forming this confusion would only birth more confusion. what to do?
who knows.

so i sit and wait..


its that breath taking type of
head knocking pain i
lust
type of
eye glancing to the corner
to not be caught sort of
never getting enough of in this
lifetime of
love?
lust....
no, i believe its love..

love letters and a simple text
a one moment affair caused allll of this
and its
exciting.
i deny and deny
to accept this motion my notion is dismayed and
im insane i say!
INSANE!
im mad.
gone mad.
its simple
i must be mad!

but it feels so right..

i met your eyes one moment and i
remembered your smile from grin to cheek and i
yearned for more of this insanity driven bliss and i..
wish to meet you for the second time.
sooner than later..
the insanity only lasts for so deep until i
can drive no longer.
will you hold my hand?
you know.. in that love type of way.

a beginning..

dum ditty dum dum..

i write.

lifes been a wee bit intense lately but in a positive way.
its pretty surreal how something so negative can turn into a complete positive movement.
i've grown up so much in only the past 4 months..
i hardly know what to think anymore.

& i love it. [most of the time]

i chose to start a blogspot site simply because...
certain times i am in this strong mood to write. just write.
not the usual poetry my pen feins for or anything to that effect..
just words.
so that when i go back and look at the mumbo jumbo..
i can make sense of a few things & maybe even get a few opinions along the way.

so as i said before...
dum ditty dum dum.

h o l l a

i'm in this transitional period in my life. went from working as a fashion designer of a small label company.. at 22 years old, to handcuffs and a mug shot, to managment of a retail store turned designer of a label with a best friend and beginning stages to my very own fashion boutique. i've hit some bumpy roads and with the help of family and my fucking awesome friends.. i've beat down this shit and stepped forward stronger. oh, and if you were wondering... i didn't kill anyone. or steal anything... i drove home after 1 too many alcoholic beverages and pulled myself over... to only catch the attention of a chp and swoop swoop... ouch!

i'll be back to write more a s a p. for now, if anyone is reading this.. i've introduced my weakness.